BRAZILIAN PISS CRIMES

I have no idea how the police deals with micturaters in your country, but in Rio the Janeiro they take that shit real seriously. After all, where will the world look for guidance in civic decorum if not to Rio? That's why the City Hall decided to adopt a zero-tolerance piss policy for Carnival--the official name was operation "Shock of Order"--and arrest every single person who deigned pee on our precious streets. In the end over 277 golden rainclouds were busted, ladies included.

If any of you gringos are among the 3 million people who spent carnival in Rio (and got lucky with the girls just because you speak in dollars) you are already aware that the 4,000 chemical toilets beer companies provided + plus the 400 we got from City Hall + the 30 of these weird, new Dutch open-air models didn't manage to make much of a dent in the stink. How could it? Even if you tack on (an extremely generous) 2,000 extra turlets for open businesses in the area, that's still one toity for every 500 people. Excuse me, for every 500 drunk, dancing people in the Brazilian heat. That goes past Woodstock '99 and into a territory usually reserved for refugee camps.

So far there have been no reports of death by intraperitoneal bladder rupture, but hey, at least 300 people now have criminal records thanks to another of the city government's legendary miscalculations. I guess we should just be thankful that public urination doesn't land you on the sex offender registry here.

BRUNO B. SORAGGI