Taking a Long Hard Look and Coming Up Short

Hello. I am crushed the fuck out on a 71-year-old man. He's not writing me into his will or anything, but Charles Brewer-Carias is a walking, breathing, moustachioed archetype of manliness. If creationists want to do one thing to make me hate them less, they could start teaching that Charlie is what God had in mind with the whole "in my own image" business. I'd be OK with that.

If I can stop myself from hyperventilating for long enough, I'll tell you about him. He's spent the last 50 years leading expeditions into the Venezuelan rainforest. He speaks the native tounge of Ye'Kuana fluently. He discovered the worlds largest Quartzite cave and holds the world record for starting fire with sticks (2.5 seconds).

All of this you've probably read in the Guardian article that got me interested in him, so I'll stop cribbing from it. Here then are some personal reasons why he's my new candidate for grandad/Nietzchian Superman pin-up overlord.

1. Knives J.E . Smith Jrs, bedtime reading essential, Survival Knives and Survival, gives over the cover to Charles's own Explorer-Brewer model, which revolutionized knife design thanks to its removable hand guard, hollow aluminum grip, and it's ability to double as a harpoon, (for fishing I guess).

Astronaut trainer and founder of the Jungle Survival School (not sure what that is, but it sounds tough) H. Morgan Smith calls it "The best and most complete survival knife that I've seen in over 35 years of survival teaching." Hard yet?

2. Style Look at this picture. Now look away. Now look again. Now take your Explorer-Brewer and hack off your feet, along with whatever 70s reissued sneakers that you paid 150 dollars for. You are not worthy.

3. Calling Bullshit on McGinley The Brewdog was spelunking in breathtaking underground cathedrals before Ryan was in hotpants. This one that he discovered in 2004 is complete with a river, waterfalls and underground lakes. Inside he found two previously undiscovered species of scorpion, freaky birds that look like this, and coral like organisms growing on the walls that could turn out to be a million years old. And he even looks hot in a mining hat.

4.

Literary Prowess Charles-Brewer has written 108 books about his expeditions, discoveries and adventures. How many books did God write? One, and he even needed help with that.