Why Smart Bras and Wigs Will Never Take Off

Somebody has to say it: enough with the novelty wearable tech. Fitness monitors, smartwatches, and Google Glass were one thing, but now major tech companies are coming out with so-called "smart" wigs and bras, it’s time for a reality check.

In case you somehow missed the zillion news stories last week, Sony has filed for a patent for a smart wig. It's a toupee packed with sensors and a communication interface, all hidden under a helmet of “horse hair, human hair, wool, feathers, yak hair, buffalo hair or any kind of synthetic material.” According to suggestions in the patent application, the wig could include everything from GPS to a wifi module, video camera, and a vibration actuator like the one in your smartphone. It could also communicate with an external computing device so you could, for example, flick through slides in a PowerPoint presentation by pushing hidden buttons in the sideburns—because that sounds so much more convenient than using a regular remote.

I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t a joke, but the patent application seems legit. And now it appears Microsoft researchers are also getting into the weird wearable tech game with a prototype of a smart bra (or, more accurately, pads that slip into a bra). This has a more specific function than Sony’s wig: It contains sensors to monitor the wearer’s mood via heart and skin activity, and raise the alarm when she's in danger of “emotional eating.” Women overeating is obviously a priority when it comes to the world's problems technology should address.

Now that the initial excitement around the exciting opportunities presented by wearable tech has had chance to subside a little, maybe it’s time we realise that simply sticking tech into an item of clothing and calling the result “smart” doesn’t make it so. A real smart product has to genuinely enhance that item, or offer a solution to an everday problem most people have. It also has to be actually wearable, and not just in the sense that it can balance on your body somewhere. (If Google Glass struggled to appeal to the fashionable masses, what chance does a smart wig have of being a sartorial success?)

Neither of these products check any of those boxes. Sure, the wig includes a lot of clever technology, but does it do anything that our current gadgets and gizmos don't? Smartphones and laptops take care of most of our needs. Smartwatches offer a more compact option. And if you really want something closer to your scalp there's always Glass. When it comes down to it, there are only so many cameras, monitors, and communications solutions that one person needs. Wearable tech is already becoming a saturated field.

As for the bra, I’m just not convinced there’s a wide market for a “just-in-time support system for emotional eating” when it comes to wearable tech. A T-shirt that charges your phone? That's a useful solution to a problem pretty much everyone has. A bra that encourages you to replace chocolate bars with breathing exercises? That's pretty niche. You know what a smart bra would be to me? One that actually fits, perfectly, and that also doesn’t turn your chest into a lumpy, lace-embossed landscape when you wear a tight shirt.

Once we’ve got that down, then maybe we can start thinking about gyroscopes and accelerometers.