It's coming, and for once that's a double entendre that's fully intended. As Harry Camping's Family Radio Worldwide have already forewarned, The End Times are bearing down on us, and, just like any other species aware of its imminent demise, the human race is reacting by attempting to drowm the world in a tsunami of pointlessly procreational cum.The first report landed on our desks this morning – a 36-year-old woman in Brazil has become so overwhelmed with pre-apocalyptic grief that she's obtained a court ruling that allows her to masturbate at work free from the threat of disciplinary rebuke. The inner anguish that hypersexed Ana Catarian Bezerra feels when she's not within rubbing distance of an orgasm one day got so bad she had to wank 47 times. 47! There she is below, leaning against a tree and gazing blank-eyed into the near-distance as she contemplates yet another helping of rock hard dick.
Then there are these boys. I guess it sort of makes sense that a bunch of guys who spend their weekends trying to grapple other men into dick-prone positions responded to the End Of All Things by attempting to impregnate each other, thus allowing their bloodlines to flow on indefinitely. Actually it doesn't make sense at all. Everyone knows you need a woman to make a baby! Not that it matters in this instance, as we'll all be dead soon anyway.In reality of course, this (probably) has nothing to do with people wanting to flood the planet with their DNA before they're half-alive and depositing it listlessly upon the new molten carpet of a post-human earth. There are so many perverts in the world that on any given day you can just type "masturbating" into Google News and be confronted with countless stories about people wanking in public. But like a sexually repressed Conservative MP, the time just felt right to indulge in a wank gag session.Come Sunday, we'll all be hanging by the neck from our ties with oranges stuffed in our mouths and a senseless suicide note of whore's heelprints stamped into our backs. The only difference is that this time there'll be no one around to break down the door and find us :(KEVIN SHITHAMMER
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