Four years ago I bought my mom a ninety-dollar scarf for Christmas. The scarf was oversized, turquoise, and made out of a natural fiber I couldn't pronounce. The gift was undeniably expensive but I figured it was an appropriate token of affection for the women who raised me. That year I also bought mom an animatronic dancing Santa. It was in the discount bin and cost two dollars. The Santa spun in circles and played Jingle Bell Rock. Mom thought the Santa was the greatest thing she ever saw. She laughed and played it dozens upon dozens of times. She has never worn the scarf. Not once.
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I purchased this bad boy at Honest Ed's, the iconic Kubrickan maze of discount goods and terrible puns located in Toronto's Annex [soon to be closed for a condo obviously]. I hadn't tried out the Santa before bequeathing it to Ma, and I couldn't read the label because it was printed in Mandarin. Gangnam Style was a surprise for us all. On Christmas when the tune blared out of Santa's backside and Saint Nick began thrusting his hips, Mom squealed until literal tears were rolling down her face. When she caught her breath she said "Go put Macarena Santa beside the dog!"4. Figuratively Snowing Frosty
Last year due to a fun little bout of Seasonal Affective Disorder ( S.A.D LOL) I put off Christmas shopping until December the 23rd. That meant that I had to make my way to an overcrowded mall, frantically battling it out with all the other sad sacks desperate to purchase the their family's love. After four hours of grinding my teeth and swiping my card the only thing left to buy was the Santa. The closest thing I could find was Figuratively Snowing Frosty. Later that night on the bus ride to my parent's house I made him snow until the batteries wore out. I felt oddly at ease.
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The Jumping Snowman made the list because the Jumping Santa no longer works after the dog attack. While Jumping Santa still exists somewhere in the abode as nightmare fuel for unsuspecting visitors, for the sake of this article he was disqualified from the rankings. The most impressive thing about Jumping Snowman is the height he gets. In my lesser moments I fear he will track me down replicant style in a hunt for meaning and vengeance.2. Santa's Little Helper: The Walking Dog
Look at this bullshit.1. Jingle Bell Rock Santa
The one that started it all. There he is with his face all aglow. There he is spinning in circles, ringing his bells, and playing his music in some kind of ill-fated attempt to stay with it. To turn on Jingle Bell Rock Santa you push the button on its back. Two years ago the button broke. Now unless you physically restrain Santa he will continue indefinitely, spinning ad nauseam, and bringing continual festive cheer until some Grinch comes in and ruins the party. I am usually the Grinch.Bonus: Mom opens up Santa's Little Helper: The Walking Dog
That look on her face… probably not worth it. I'll probably get her a book next year.Follow Graham Isador on Twitter.