Thugs On Holiday!

"The EDL Needs You!"

Over the past few months the English Defence League dorks have been struggling to make new friends in the UK. Maybe it’s their violent stance against Muslims or the way they smell of beef and blood, but they’re pretty unpopular right now (outside of Facebook racists, of whom there are loads.)

They’re so unlikable, they’ve even stopped liking themselves, and there are currently deep divisions within their ranks. The hardcore members are getting disillusioned with the lack of effective action and are moving closer to the BNP and Combat 18. So, what do you do when your xenophobic thug gang become alienated at home? You go on an foreign tour!

Earlier in the year the EDL went to Berlin to cosy up with some German racists, and last week a bunch of the EDL’s finest took a trip to New York to support the campaign against Muslim people being allowed to hang out near Ground Zero. I’m sure the billion dollar far-right were thrilled to get the support of seven skinhead Brit mongoloids; after all, Glenn Beck and The Bilderberg Group aside, they’re kind of the most significant global conservative voice. Unfortunately the loony left got wind of their attempt to lad-up the 9/11 tributes and apprehended their leader Tommy Robinson at the airport.

Nevertheless, it’s now clear that the EDL are planning to take their bald, middle-aged thug revolution global, so we thought we’d let you guys (hi, the rest of the world!) know what these awesome guys are all about. Here are some FAQs from foreigners about the EDL.

Q. Who the fajita are the EDL?
A. Think of the Tea Party but with a much smaller fan base and more bulldog tats. The EDL are a group of former football firms, (football firms are like soccer moms, only with flick knives) who for the past year have been rampaging around the country kicking the shit out of anyone who doesn’t eat bacon. They're not known for their beauty or savage wit.

Why are they attending my local terrorist bomb site?
Well, it all started when a tiny group of extreme Muslims protested at an army homecoming parade, accusing British soldiers of being baby killers who fancy George Bush. The local white males decided to attack these Muslims and thus started the EDL. Their missions are: 1) To root out and destroy Islam in the UK. 2) To stop Sharia law being introduced into the wider British society. These ambitions are easily divisible in two: 1) Will not be successful. 2) Will be successful (in the same way that my Gran's Sunday hat will be successful in preventing Sharia law taking over in the UK, as IT'S NOT EVER GOING TO HAPPEN. EVER).

Emo Racists

Why do they think they'll get support abroad?
I guess they have no alternative. Recently they were humiliated in Bradford so now they've taken their racist circus abroad looking for a wider audience. Unfortunately it's probably a fair assumption that the diplomatic skills they honed at Europa League away games (shouting and stabbing) won't endear them to their new foreign buddies. Put a Frenchman and a German in front of an EDL guy and just see how long it is before the punching begins. On the Atlantic front, much like The Libertines, the Yanks just won't notice them.

What are they most likely to say at a demonstration?
Wanker, tosser, cunt, fucker, nigger, rag head, sand nigger, twat, paki, and poof are all favourites, but they also have a wide variety of football style chants that get pretty catchy after a while. Fast forward to 57 secs for one of their more controversial numbers.

In England this gesture means "Dear photographer, please would you kindly refrain from taking my picture, my mother may see this and she would be very upset".

Tell me they at least dress well?
I'm sorry but they won't be sprucing 5th Avenue up with their impeccable fashion taste:

What kind of other cultural sounds and smells will they be bringing to my nearest arrondissement?
The EDL's taste in music is a little one dimensional, at every protest they play this song over and over and over again. A few hardcore members even played this number at a recent demo, just in case we didn't already know they were a gang of racist thugs.

What attractions would the EDL enjoy in my local metropolis?
Well obviously their first port of call would be the local meat salesman to complain about Halal meat. After that they're most likely to head to a venue of cultural sensitivity, perhaps the site of a "Ground Zero Mosque" debate, or a school who allow the burka to be worn. Once they've messed that up it's off to the nearest English pub to drink some English beer and call locals poofs.

Don't forget to make them welcome!

Oh, and you know who's even funner? The Welsh Defence League!

WORDS AND PICTURES: HENRY LANGSTON