Gun Fun

So by this point you’ve no doubt squandered all of your money on excessive amounts of drugs and purchased sex, and of course wasted hours on end playing games. Congratulations, you just spent an entire vacation doing the exact same thing you do at home at about quadruple the cost and surrounded by far worse people. Now it’s time to take some power back and get your anger in check, and what better way than to shoot a terrorist in the face? Welcome to the Gun Store, one of the only places in the U.S. where civilians can shoot fully automatic weapons without a license. This little gem is nestled about three miles east of the Strip in the creepy “locals only” area. A quick cab ride will bring you to a heavily secured white building. Upon entering you will be greeted by, well, exactly who you’d expect to be greeting you at a place called the Gun Store: Purebred desert rednecks. Once they let you in, the only thing separating you from a belt-fed M249- is your signature and some cold hard cash. Here’s how it works…

Photo by Dave Kaplan 1. First things first, you need to have exactly two beers in you. There is a reason why guns and beer always mix: Guns are loud and powerful and you are going to be scared. The only way you can make this enjoyable is by juicing up a little bit beforehand. (Don’t let them catch you drinking though, they will give you a 45-minute lecture and tell you to come back tomorrow.)  2. Pick your weapon. Whatever gun you choose will make or break this experience for you, and with a wall full of literally hundreds of killing machines, this can be a bit daunting. Obviously if you are a 100-pound model, don’t pick a M249 Minimi .223 (Rambo gun). It’s fucking heavy and the kickback alone will probably dislocate your little model shoulder. A safe bet for most people is an AK-47 or an M16. Both are loud and carry some kick, but aren’t overwhelming. Either will set you back $25, including range fee and 25 rounds. 3. Pick your target. Unless some other outspoken Arab militant has surpassed them in popularity by the time you’re reading this, you should shoot Osama or Saddam.  4. It’s shooting time! Get your goggles and earphones while a trained gunman/militant escorts you to the killing zone (shooting area), gives you a quick lesson on how not to shoot yourself, and points you at the target. Fire away. You may notice the sudden needling urge to shoot your friends. Don’t worry, it’s totally natural—all of your friends are feeling it too and it will pass in a matter of seconds. The trick with automatics is to not fire your whole load at once. You are paying about a dollar a bullet, so make it last. You are going to be a fucking terrible shot, the gun is going to be loud and kick harder than you expected, and they are going to have to put the target upside down so that you will actually come close to hitting Osama’s turban, but once those first five rounds leave the chamber you are never going to want to stop.  All and all, shooting will last a total of three minutes max and your adrenaline high will last another two after that. Sure it’s only about five minutes of pleasure, but it will also probably be the only good thing about Vegas you’ll remember.