How to Punch Out a Paparazzo
Illustration by Nick Gazin
On June 19, Hollywood bloviator Alec Baldwin was the latest in the long line of celebrity dicks to punch a paparazzo when he socked a New York Daily News photographer in front of City Hall after getting his marriage license (getting married makes Baldwin angry, I guess). Anyway, point is that socking a pap isn’t that hard. You too can be immortalized for punching some guy trying to take a photo of you, just like Sean Penn, Kanye West, Quentin Tarantino, and Chris Martin, by following these five easy steps:
First, you need photographers to follow you around. Sure you could go out there and get an acting or music career, or start wearing silly getups like Lady Gaga, but that will take years! The easier option is to become infamous by committing a few awful crimes. Think about the swarms around Charles Manson or Bernie Madoff. But it’s hard to punch when your hands are cuffed, so this method only works for those who can run very fast and hide very well.
Yell a Lot
Now that you’re famous, you’re like the one girl in a bukkake video, and the photographers are a bunch of dicks competing to spray the money shot on your face. If you’re gonna punch one out, make sure they all know it’s coming by screaming and cussing. Gather a crowd. It doesn’t count if no one takes a picture.
Do we really have to teach you how to do this, you fucking pansy? You know all about making a nice tight fist, don’t you? Just send it in the general vicinity of someone’s face at a relatively high speed, and you’re set. Also, throw your body weight into it if you want to break a nose.
Don’t Hurt the Camera
You’re supposed to be pissed at the paparazzi, not the AV equipment! Go ahead and break some guy’s ocular cavity, but don’t wreck a pricey Nikon. That’s just wasteful. If anything, steal it and pawn it for drugs because famous people usually take a lot of them. Also, he could sue you for lost wages if you take away his moneymaker, which is bad news on many levels.
Can the Indignation
Here is where the celebs get into trouble, by railing against the indignity and injustice of the photo-clicking borg who follows them around. Guess what? The general public loves paparazzi pictures. If they didn’t they wouldn’t buy gossip rags and click on “articles” that are just photos of Angelina taking out the trash. Would you say you’re so sick of Christmas that you KO’d Santa? No. Don’t try to make your punch into some great statement about media and privacy, just say, “Yeah, he pissed me off and I punched him because he’s a fuckface.” Not only is it true, it’s pretty badass. Baldwin isn’t quite as badass, and denied he punched the photographer. Dude, it’s OK. You like hitting guys. Own it.
Want more from Moylan? Check these out:
A documentary about the ineptitude and corruption of the Afghan security forces.
A documentary about Nathan Bedford Forrest, the Memphis City Council, the Klan, and the Crips.
Hungarian nationalists throw beer at people and blame Jews and Gypsies for all their problems.
A night at the Jack in the Box of the Damned.
The White Student Union advocates for “persons of European heritage”—aka “white people.”