Police Shot a Black Friday Shoplifter and New J.D. Salinger Stories Leaked

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Black Friday is my favorite holiday tradition. After stuffing my face with turkey, globs of mashed potatoes, and enough gravy to drown a small rabbit, I can’t think of anything better than gathering my family around a computer to read news stories about shoppers losing their minds. Apocalyptic zombie movies have nothing on the consumerism-based chaos of Black Friday—this year alone included stabbings over parking spaces, people making bomb threats, and police shooting a shoplifter. Yes, Black Friday is the one glorious day of the year where liberals and conservatives can come together in front of their TVs to proclaim themselves better than the heaps of trash arguing over discount Gilmore Girls DVDs. Of course, moments later, both liberals and conservatives realize the picture they’re looking at isn’t very clear, and 94 inches of pure HD television for $27 is actually a mighty fine deal. The moment the naysayers realize this, they shine the rust off their old brass knuckles, polish their elbow spikes, and head to the mall to battle the fat, globular masses.

The note and wine Elan Gale sent to an angry passenger. Image via

You've probably read about reality show producer Elan Gale live-tweeting his feud with Diane, a fellow passenger on a delayed Thanksgiving flight, with a sense of admiration for Elan. You thought he was a hero for sending the grumpy old lady passive-aggresive notes and telling her to “eat a dick.” For a moment, you even imagined reenacting Falling Down with the douchebag rabble-rouser you encountered in the DMV line the other day.

But then, two possible things happened: either you forgot about this entirely (in which case, good for you), or you began to consider the moral calculus of the skirmish. Is it really that admirable to pick a fight with a stranger who doesn’t know her actions are being live-tweeted? Are you supposed to root for the asshole who produced The Cougar, especially when he told a woman to “eat a dick?” Do you really want to side with Alec Baldwin on any issue? The answer is “probably not.” We’re all pretty complex beings, and chances are we’re doing the best we can. The crazy-ass person in the DMV was probably having a bad day, and Diane probably had more reasons to want to make it home for Thanksgiving besides being a cranky old bitch. Ultimately, Elan was the person who should have been eating dicks here, and Diane was right to smack the producer of The Bachelor across his face.

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This week, the US Supreme Court decided to hear an Obamacare contraception case. The Hobby Lobby crafts chain and the Mennonite-owned Conestoga Wood Specialties company filed the lawsuits. Both companies claim the Affordable Care Act violates their right to practice their religion, because the ACA mandates employers to supply employees with health insurance covering government-approved forms of contraception. Apparently, “protecting religious people’s rights” means “protecting religious people’s rights to treat women like shit.”

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I don’t hate J.D. Salinger. Like most people, somewhere in my late teens or early 20s, I realized everyone who claimed his or her favorite book was The Catcher in the Rye hadn’t read a book since high school, but once I got past this, I thought J.D. was fine. Although he wasn’t worthy of the hype, there was still plenty of greatness in his work. However, none of his books are nearly as sublime as his well-documented history of being the most irritable recluse around—which is to say, unpublished Salinger pieces being leaked onto the internet was fine news for readers of all ilk. But the fact that the stories were leaked against the author's wishes showed the ol’ grumpy goose still had his bile-infused anger working in his favor three years after his death. That’s some top-notch disgust, folks. Lewis Black and your 25-year-old libertarian friend have something to learn from this guy. Salinger doesn’t roll over in his grave—he stares down the soil above him until it rolls around for him.

@RickPaulas