A Comprehensive History of Floridians Hiding Their Weed in Their Butts and Other Body Parts

Maybe it’s the heat. Maybe it’s the fear that a family of black bears will drag us out of our garages, or maybe it’s just all the damn mosquitoes in the humid cesspool some people call Florida. Whatever it is, it makes us crazy. While most Americans hide weed in seat cushions or backpacks, us Floridians prefer to shove our drugs in our asses.

Now this might be practical—even commendable—if we didn’t get caught, but try asking 23 pairs of inbred chromosomes to abide by the law. Florida’s drug laws may be stupid, but our methods of evasion are decidedly stupider.

Of course, come November, all of this could be irrelevant, when Florida votes on medical marijuana legalization, meaning in the future some Floridians could get off with a small fine or even offer a celebratory toke to their neighborhood patrolmen.

This law could be great for stoned Floridians, but will undoubtedly be bad for newspapers, bloggers and Florida haters who practice the timeless tradition of reading and writing about Floridians stuffing weed in their crotches. In honor of this legendary custom, here’s a comprehensive recent history of Floridians hiding our weed in our assholes, pussies, and other awkward orifices.

The Thank-God-It’s-Not-That-Time-of-the-Month Club

After pulling over a friend of Naples resident Vida Golac for drifting between lanes, police officers found a bag of weed next to where Golac, 18, was sitting. Golac allegedly told cops the weed didn’t belong to her because she was “a medical student.” But after a thorough strip search at the jail, cops found additional marijuana stuffed up Golac’s cooch—pretty much confirming that the weed was hers.

Golac said she was just trying to protect the other passengers, but still faced charges of smuggling and possession, according to Sheriff's Office records.

Jayme Nicole Poma, 23, was originally arrested for a traffic violation, but police sent her to jail after finding an active warrant for her arrest. At the jail, a purple sock in Poma’s pants clued the pat-down officer in on the Port St. Lucie woman’s stash. The officer removed the sock and found a small plastic bag of weed. She then asked Poma to cough and squat, causing another baggy to fall out—this one full of cocaine.

In May, Palm Beach County resident Jessica Johnston, 25, admitted to officials she had 2.6 grams stashed in her ­­­­gash after authorities told her bringing contraband into a jail is considered a felony.

If You Can’t Beat Them, Eat Them

Police arrested Anthony Ramsey, a 25-year-old Gainesville resident, because he allegedly refused to answer the officer’s questions. When he finally opened his lips, he asked the officer why he was being arrested—with his mouth full of marijuana.

“When’s the last time you smoked marijuana?” a Florida state trooper asked 35-year-old Johnny Fischer after chasing his weaving SUV down the Florida turnpike.

“I don’t smoke no marijuana.”

“You don’t smoke marijuana?”

“No, man.”

“Can I ask you a question then? Why is there marijuana in your beard?”

In January, former University of Florida football player Jarvis Moss allegedly told police he was eating “food” after running a stop sign in Gainesville. He opened his mouth to reveal chunks of weed, prompting the officer to arrest the 29-year-old for possessing weed and tampering with the evidence.

But what if you dispose of the evidence all together? That might have worked for Brevard county resident Tavish Smith if police hadn’t caught her crime on camera last month. After being arrested for driving the wrong way and crashing her truck, Smith allegedly slipped out of her handcuffs in the back of the police car and grabbed her confiscated sandwich bag of bud. She giggled and then ate her drugs.

There were reportedly enough crumbs left in the bag, and all over her face, to prove she possessed marijuana. Her disappearing trick also upgraded her misdemeanor for possession up to a felony.

“Bags of weed just don't go missing inside a police car,” the trooper said.

Don’t Hide Weed by Your Cox

After responding to a crowd-control call at a Brevard County Denny’s, police saw smoke “pouring out into the air” from a black Toyota Camry, so Suzanne Japorica Baker made the mistake of hastily stuffing the weed into her bra. Unfortunately, breasts are the first place cops are going to look, even if they’re not looking for weed.

After a non-fatal gunfight on April 15, police confronted Gainesville resident Tarris Cox at an apartment, where he consented to a weapons search. Cops didn’t find the gun, but they did notice an “unfamiliar bulge,” the police report called it, hidden in the 22-year-old’s underwear. That “unfamiliar bulge” was 19.6 grams of ganja, stashed by Cox’s cock. Moral of the story: If you’re carrying drugs in your underwear, it’s probably not the best idea to get in a gunfight, consent to a search, or, you know, have a small cock.

It’s a little unfair, though, that women get an extra hole for hideaway. What’s a Florida guy to do?

Ass Crack: the Great Equalizer

“I then searched his immediate person and felt a soft object in the crack of his buttocks,” police wrote in a report about 25-year-old Marion County resident Raymond Roberts. After pulling Roberts over for speeding, the officer smelled the smoke and searched the suspect. He found both 4.5 grams of “a green leafy substance” and 27 pieces of white cocaine in his crack.

“The white stuff is not mine, but the weed is,” Roberts said.

He was charged possession of both pot and cocaine, cause, you know, it doesn’t matter what you say. If the drugs are in your butt, they’re yours.

In May, cops reported finding an Osceola County couple with meth, a half-ounce of cocaine, and numerous packets of marijuana in their BMW, much of it hidden in an energy drink with a “false screw-on top.” At first, the couple only allegedly admitted to the weed.

“The blunt is in my underwear and I'll get it,” Angel Suazo, 26, said before he “voluntarily reached into his underwear between his buttocks and recovered an approximate two to three inches of a smoked brown in color cigar,” according to the police report.

He probably just wanted to get the blazing thing out of his ass, but at least he admitted to possessing the cigar.

A two-to-three inch blunt is one thing, but try squeezing an inch-thick cylinder between your cheeks—and keeping it there, as 23-year-old Joshua Paul Manley did while Gainesville police pulled him over from a broken headlight in April.

He had somehow stuffed more than 11 grams of weed in the bottle and managed to finagle it into his butt crack – yet he left the rest on the passenger floorboard and in a visible blunt.

All that discomfort, only to get caught.

Then again, when you can’t legally own it, how do you define property? Couldn’t you just say you’re someone else? That’s what 22-year-old Sammy Lee Simmons thought he could get away with after he ran a red light in Gainesville. The Delray Beach native told police he didn’t have a license, could not share his social security number, and could not give his address.

While some cops aren’t exactly known for their intelligence, Simmons’s ploy was pretty fallible. His car smelled strongly of weed, and after his 1.1 grams were discovered at the Alachua County Jail, he admitted to keeping the kush “behind his nuts.”

Whether our weed is behind our nuts, between our boobs, or in our butts, Floridians have a rich history of hiding cannabis contraband—and getting caught.