Someone Is Beheading Animals in a London Park

A mourning cat via Flickr user Jim Linwood

Hey, are you the fuckshow going around London parks beheading animals? Because somebody is, and it would be really cool if they could stop. The London police confirmed yesterday that they are on the hunt for the person (or persons) who decapitated a cat, dog, some young squirrels, and a goose, then left the corpses in London's Meanwhile Gardens.

Yesterday, a spokesperson for the city's Wildlife Crime Unit said that “on September 14, someone found a goose and a cat, both of which had their heads cut off in Meanwhile Gardens.” I mean, what’s a goose ever done to you? All they do is honk and produce pâté. “We have put posters up to see if anyone knows anything about it or has seen anything suspicious.”

Listen, I’m no fan of dogs—they are bristling clumps of muscle, forever yapping on the edge of hyperactivity, always capable of jumping to my exact crotch height from a standing start and biting me on the dick—but I really can’t get in the frame of mind where I would think, Yes, I should behead that.

The most worrying thing about all this, unless you're Morrissey, is that there's a well-established line between "dickhead who tortures animals" and "actual, real-life serial killer." Some studies suggest that up to 99 percent of sexual homicide offenders started on animals first, as in the case of Jeffrey Dahmer or the Boston Strangler. And it’s not like serial killing is the only form of violence young animal abusers could graduate to. The Humane Society found that in 85 percent of homes where women or children suffer abuse, animals are also attacked. Basically, if you’re mean to animals, you are the exact kind of dickhead we could all do without.

This isn’t the first time animal beheadings have become a thing in the UK. Last month, a cat was found decapitated in South London and in August, another was shot and beheaded in Hertfordshire county. In April, three swans were found without heads in the town of Milton Keynes. Back in November 2012, a farmer in Manchester kept waking up to find his sheep savaged and their back legs chopped off.

Outside of the UK, in June of the same year, some calamitously bad Canadian dog-sitters were caught after two mutts in their care were savaged and ripped apart. In Spain, there's an annual greyhound bloodbath, when old hunting dogs are done away with.

In short: There are lots of serial killers walking calmly among us and I’m going straight home to make sure my cat is alright. Whoever is doing this, please stop.

We know "snitches get stitches," but if you have any information at all, contact London's Metropolitan Police Wildlife Crime Unit through its website.