Why I Want to Ban the Burqa and Other Tales by Cory Bernardi

Image by Ben Thomson

After the 100 percent positive reaction to Tony Abbott’s totally-not-made-up article in VICE last week, controversial conservative politician Cory Bernardi got in touch with Lee Zachariah and asked him to pass on the following article.

Hello readers. It is I, Cory Bernardi. I’m an MP or a senator or something from somewhere in the south… I want to say Adelaide? And I have been invited by a conservative think tank called VICE to talk to you about the biggest threat facing Australians today: the burqa.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “Corry, isn’t the biggest threat facing me today gay marriage? WTF?” Now it’s just the second, because as my fans will recall, I correctly pointed out that legalising gay marriage would lead to all kinds of crazy shit, like the acceptance of things like polygamy and bestiality and tetragalmatotoxoformicophilia. If you’re not familiar with the last one, it’s when four mannequins covered in bugs penetrate you with arrows. It’s not all that common, but I keep having dreams about it. The point is this: imagine two gays want to trick an innocent Catholic Priest into marrying them, what would they do? They’d put one of them in a burqa, thus disguising their sex. Only an idiot would even consider that hypothetical.

Therefore, burqas are the biggest threat facing Australia today. If you’ve been paying terrified attention to the news, you’ll see that police have carryied out raids on terror suspects, and as I correctly pointed out on my Twitter feed yesterday:

Note burqa wearers in some of the houses raided this morning? This shroud of oppression and flag of fundamentalism is not right in Aust

— Cory Bernardi (@corybernardi) September 17, 2014

I stand by these 135 characters (even though I’m not sure why I didn’t type out “Australia” in full, given I totally had enough space to): we as a nation cannot turn a blind eye to the fact that I noted burqa wearers in some of the houses raided this morning.

I am really good at noting specific things about situations. Like that time I noted the damage that single-parent families can have on children, but managed to avoiding noting the systemic cover up of child abuse within the Catholic Church. Selectively noting the facts that support my worldview is simply defining an issue “as I see it”. Coincidentally, that’s the name of my first book, as both author and reader. You can order it here.

The reason for banning the burqa? As I wrote in 2010, burqas can be used to disguise the identities of robbers and bandits and possibly even buccaneers. Security camera footage would be rendered useless by these hoards of burqlars (trademark Corrie Bernardsy). And even though I was only able to cite a single example in my piece, it sure feels as if this is the sort of thing that could become widespread, doesn’t it? Before you point out the Catholic Church child abuse thing again, I’d like to remind you that a few rotten eggs don’t represent the majority of Catholics, even if there are in fact hundreds upon hundreds of examples and the cover-ups go all the way to the Vatican. But to suggest that this somehow indicative of a problem within my church is simply racist, and I will not respond to imaginary racist people who I’ve just made-up and are also now mannequins covered in bugs wielding arrows. BRB.

Where was I? Oh yes. Berks in burqas (trademark Corona Bacardi). Because I also think it’s important that women be treated equalish, and wearing a burqa undermines that. Women should have the freedom to wear whatever I deem appropriate. That’s the bright future we’re fighting for.

In the meantime, I’d like to go back to discussing all of the burqas I noted during the terror raids. Naturally, the truth hurts those on the Radical Left, whose bleeding hearts spouted commie nonsense like this:

“I just want to completely dispel any idea that this is about religion. It’s not.” – Comrade Tony Abbott

“All of us as Australians are potentially victims of these wicked people, but the Muslim community in particular is exposed.” – Czar George Brandis

“If anybody uses what's happened to vilify a group, race or religion they are playing into the hands of these would-be-terrorists. That is, helping the terrorist organisations to achieve what they want to achieve.” – Chairman Campbell Newman

It’s scary when our leaders don’t pay attention to what’s directly in front of them. Muslims are clearly behind all of the terror threats, and so we need to do something about them. If our government isn’t prepared to step up, then our country needs someone who will. What’s the name of that group that’s always taking out Muslims? ISIS? ISIL? Something like that. Anyway, they seem to have the right idea, whoever they are. We should look into some sort of partnership with them maybe.

In conclusion, I would like to officially restate my opposition to the burqa, and also officially state my support of hijabs, khimars, chadors and niqabs. Not many people know I’m actually in favour of niqabs, but I want it on the record and right up the top of the Google search results: niqabs are 100% favoured by me, Cordon Bleu Nasty.

Follow Lee Zachariah, who totally did not write this story, on Twitter: @leezachariah