The Internet - Ooh. A new social networking craze. These are always great

MySpace Shook The Music Industry To Its Core™. Facebook Was An Orwellian Craze Which Dismantled Basic Privacy™. Twitter Fed A Self Obsessed Generation Itself™. Bebo… I think that's the one where teenagers have cyber sex. Anyway, all these social networking tools that have been upsetting parents whose children have never seen a blade of grass that wasn't pixilated all look like a pan-racial youth-group trip out horse riding in the Cotswolds compared to Omegle.

Omegle is the social networking site with the guts not to dress up its pointlessness in wallpapers and tagging and updates. It's boiled time-wasting down to its most base level: Click on a button and instantly chat to a stranger. There's no information, just instant conversation. About anything you want. You could talk about literally anything. Exciting. And yet, with an inevitability only afforded to something with such wild possibilities as the internet, all conversation quickly turns to porn. I had three conversations, all of which were sexualised very early on. (It's instant, so forgive bad spelling plz.)

Conversation 1.

Connecting to server…
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: tomorrow night on ECW
You: what you mean?
You: where are you?
Stranger: tomorrow night on ECW petey williams vs. egzon hoxha
You: what are they? They could be a pair of car rental companies for all i know
You: you sound like an advert
Stranger: You sound like an asshole
You: you look like an asshole
Stranger: sexy asshole
You: my lovely arsehole
Stranger: with bloody penises in it
You: that didn't take long till we hit the bloody penises
Stranger: Lol yeah

Conversation 2.

Connecting to server…
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: hey
You: what's up?
Stranger: what kind of porn do you like?
You: teenage animals
Stranger: fat green objects
You: oh yeah, that's your thing?
You: nice
Stranger: asl?
You: of course
Stranger: limes particularly
You: you like getting lime in blood?
Stranger: 18/m/new york

Conversation 3.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: what are you doing my new best friend?
Stranger: are you a girl?
You: yes
You: are you looking for sex?
Stranger: I have my dick in my hand
You: I’m really a boy
Stranger: wanker

After that conversation I realised how stupidly boring this new facility actually is, and so I did what everyone of the 1,452 people who were online had done once they got bored, I started talking about sex.

Conversation 4.

Connecting to server…
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: word
Stranger: good afternoon
You: how's your horrible life?
Stranger: fairly average
Stranger: and yours?
You: terrible, a series of disasters
Stranger: ouch
Stranger: what's up?
You: would you like to go on a date?
Stranger: not really, as I don't know you
You: I'll buy you a steak the size of a fist
You: and then we can have a bath
Stranger: sorry, I don't know enough about you
Stranger: I don't even know what sex you are
You: i felt like we had a connection. Let me shit in a condom, freeze it, and beat you up with it please
Stranger: are you a hemaphrodite?
You: yes
You: are you a man?
Stranger: I need to ask, do you have to use the men's or the women's if you are neither?
Stranger: and I am male indeed
You: i use a third one
You: do you think any woman ever has been on this?
Stranger: I think there is a 1 in 1043 chance

Once I realised that wasn’t fun either, I closed the window.

There you go - a quick review of something shit which no doubt will be the subject of a billion broadsheet column inches in May 2010 once Stephen Fry gets stuck in a lift and decided to kill time by telling strangers he wants to make their arse pregnant. So that's that then. Omegle is ok for prank calls. That's it.